Carla’s Drunken Reviews: Sex and the City, the Pilot

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Okay, so I decided to do Sex and the City recaps for some reason. God knows why. I fucking hate Carrie Bradshaw.

Anyway, the episode opens with Carrie narrating and all I can remember is the first time round I couldn’t help but wonder why this had nothing to do with Carrie and why she was even narrating this shit.

Also: I don’t understand the point of taking someone to see real estate and then ghost them out. That just sounds silly and utterly ridiculous to me.

Finally, Carrie is introduced. She has weird hair.

If anyone’s from New York, please let me know if this is anything like New York.

“And they’ll pay $400 for Manolo Blahnik strappy sandals.” Excuse me, when were these shoes this cheap? Fuck you, Carrie, for making these shoes so expensive. You ruined Aiden, and now apparently you ruined the shoes.

Also, I love Miranda. She’s right, that story wouldn’t make men feel bad.

Charlotte’s a bit of a dud, to be honest. “Keep your mouth shut?” Worst advice ever.

Weird random dude is weird and random.

I’m with Miranda. Why would anyone settle for a dud? And the “short, fat, poor ones”? Sooooo right. Ever noticed that? A guy’s gonna be a dud, it doesn’t matter what he looks like.

Samantha Jones is also an inspiration to me.

Miranda says something about Jeramiah the Poet and all I can think of is that song, “Jeramiah was a bullfrog, he was a very good friend of mine. Never understood a single word he said but I helped him drink his wine”.

Bet you’re now thinking of that song too, now. Ha, sucker.

Oh, shut up Carrie with your stupid judgement nonsense. Let Samantha and Miranda be the awesome people they are.

I don’t know what the movie is they’re talking about at all.

And mostly I’ve zoned out because I fucking hate Carrie Bradshaw. This seems like the worst idea but rather fun.

Also, I don’t remember this weird narration where Carrie stopped and faced the camera and I just don’t understand because I am sure I was very passionate about S&C back in the day and this is not how I remember it though I defs remember that gay guy.

Also, how has Carrie never been in love but also been hurt this badly so many fucking times in the same episode? Like, I’m no child. Love and sex ain’t the same. But what the fuck? If you were this much of a mess, how can you honestly sit there and be like ‘Nah, never been in love, aye.’

Carrie sets up an exchange with random guy she was obsessed with but apparently not in love to prove to – I’m not sure who, really, but maybe like herself? – that she can have sex like a man but we all know she can’t.

Anyway, it sets up a perfect but not-really meet-cute with Big and I really wanna know why he’s nicknamed Big.

Seriously. Is there a reason? Does anyone know? Please tell me.

Seriously.

I REALLY WANT TO KNOW. I felt like this during that Backstreet Boys song I Want It That Way. Like, after that Brooklyn 99 episode came out? I REALLY wanted to know what they wanted. Thank god for Chrissy Tiegen.

Carrie seems weirdly shocked that a person hasn’t had sex for a year. Then she insensitively asks him if he’s gay because, of course, he must be.

Fucking aye Carrie.

Then, to prove how fucking awesome she is (that was sarcasm, btw) she sets him up with Miranda knowing full well Miranda would fucking hate him. Why doesn’t she try Charlotte? Charlotte’s naïve. I’d at least try the one that likes romance before the one that doesn’t really seem to even like men.

We then get to see Miranda destroy random weird dude that’s Carrie’s friend that’s probably gonna disappear in a few episodes.

Carrie bumps into sex friend dude and is devastated to learn that he wants sex without strings. Like she wanted.

Weird.

Oh Carrie, be less annoying.

I fucking hate Donald Trump. Did he pay to have his name dropped?

Why is Carrie saying she doesn’t know Big to Samantha? Like, she doesn’t, but why’s she pretending like she didn’t just meet him?

Ugh something something Charlotte something something boring.

Samantha sleeps with dude Charlotte didn’t sleep with, and camera makes it look like Sam cares, but we all know she doesn’t so fuck you HBO.

Exchange between Carrie and Big and the end.

Can’t even count how many fucks I don’t give.

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