Carla’s Drunk Reviews: The Real Housewives of Sydney (Pilot)

Okay, so disclaimer, I don’t normally watch reality TV, but I thought it’d make this drunken review that much more interesting. On top of which, since my beautiful puppy Zoey’s passing, I’ve decided day drinking is great, so you know, if you have anything you think would be fun, please feel free to leave a comment below!

So, Real Housewives of Sydney Drunken Review time!

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Also, I probs don’t watch anything appropriate, and I definitely don’t speak appropriately, so reader discression is advised. (Ha ha ha ha I wrote that cause that’s what the guy said, except it was ‘viewer discretion advised’ and for some reason I can spell discretion one time but not both times but oh well. It ain’t a drunk review unless that’s at least one bad spelling error.)

Oh, and for you Americans, Sydney is in a country called Australia.

Australia, for some of ya’ll, is an island, a continent, and a country.

That last one’s important for some of ya’ll, cause one of your American professors almost failed someone for saying Australia was a country and as an Australian I’d like to say yes, yes, I do live in a country.

Okay, so they have a brief introduction which would be helpful if I cared about learning their names, but I don’t, so I skipped that.

Two women I don’t know the names of are going to somewhere called Coogee.

Okay, so someone is called Krissy and holy fuck all she talks about is money and stuff she owns.

Ugh now she’s flirting with her tennis instructor which I’m all for except it’s clearly awkward as fuck and maybe it’s just cause of the cameras but it feels like she’s sexually harassing her trainer and I want her to stop.

Oh, and you know who Krissy has to run her fucking house?

  • A couple of housekeepers
  • A couple of tutors
  • A handyman
  • A fucking chef

Are you fucking kidding me!? Fuck off Krissy.

I like that she’s honest (or semi honest) about her plastic surgery work though, cause I think it’s good when you’re not ashamed.

Ooooh her and her friend are ordering ‘skinny bitches’. I didn’t know that was a drink. Must remember to Google recipe.

Okay, so now we’re at Victoria, who’s like Krissy’s BFF, she tells us, cause she did a pee in front of her in the nude which I’m pretty sure is TMI, but I actually like it. Not the peeing part, cause that really is TMI, but that she’s a TMI person. TMI people are the best.

Ooooh, poor fucking Victoria’s husband slept with her friend upstairs while she was downstairs. Dude, that shit is cold.

I also love dogs more than people Victoria. I get you.

I feel like the show is getting the women to show everyone how rich they are and fucking duh, you don’t need to illustrate this to me. This is the point of the fucking show.

Oooh, we’re about to meet ‘Nicole’.

Uhhh, Krissy, please don’t ever say, ‘She didn’t eat for days before she went for Miss World. She looked fantastic’ ever, ever again.

Seriously.

Not a good message to send.

MY PEEPS: DO NOT NOT EAT LIKE NICOLE DID.

Nicole’s husband is going to stay in London but she is returning to Sydney cause she wants her kids to have the life she did.

I dunno about you, but I’ve been to London, and she’s making the wrong choice as an uber-rich person who doesn’t have to worry about pesky little things like bills and rent and whether or not you can afford to eat.

Okay, Nicole, shut the fuck up. You are arrogant and stuck up. Telling us how great you have it when most of us will never afford it is super sucky.

They are planning a party now for … reasons.

Okay, so someone named Lisa will be at the party and apparently her husband had an affair with Pauline Hanson which tells me I never want to know those people ever.

Victoria is right. Hanson is a female version of Trump.

Someone named Athena is ‘Jatz Crackers’ which is both a delicious Australian cracker I can’t eat because gluten, as well as meaning she’s insane which is really offensive but okay.

Okay, so now we’re meeting Matty from Double Bay.

Matty is actually incredibly successful at what she does. I dunno what it is, but it’s beauty and plastics and botox and stuff.

Matty introduces as to Lisa who’s the one whose husband slept with Pauline Hanson so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to like her. (Not because her husband has poor taste in women, but because her husband helped Hanson found One Nation, and that’s not a good thing.)

She also likes guns and likes the idea of shooting an intruder in her home which makes me think Lisa isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed because I can’t imagine being excited at the prospect of a) having someone break into my home, b) having someone threaten my life (because in Australia you can’t just shoot people, we’re not Americans), and c) actually shoot the fucking person after all of that. Who goes, ‘Yes! I hope that’s my Saturday night!’?

Lisa, I’m gonna be honest: Aggressively grabbing your child and yelling ‘STAND STILL AND BE HAPPY!’ does not make children happy. Likewise, if the kids aren’t fucking excited about seeing your giant python don’t yell at them for not being more excited. Just cause you like the giant snake doesn’t mean they have to. Take a chill pill, woman.

Oh my god, I am pretty sure this woman is literally the worst. Did anyone call child services? She just went ‘Pet this snake or I’ll smack you’ after pinching her child. Holy fucking Christ. I knew I wouldn’t like her, but that was mainly jokes.

Lisa says she doesn’t care even if her husband did sleep with Pauline Hanson, but she very much looks like she does, and even though I’m pretty sure she’s an evil human, she looks so sad that I feel sad for her poor evil little heart.

Okay! So now we’re meeting Athena, who’s meant to be the crazy one, but the others said she was just ‘eccentric’ which is rich people for crazy, and I can’t tell if this show is trying to be ableist or it’s just happening.

Athena tells us that ‘being a vegan, she loves eating salad every day’ but her husband is like, ‘You’re a vegan!?’ and then she clarifies that she’s ‘80% vegan’, whatever the fuck that means, but I’m pretty sure that is the opposite of vegan.

Okay, okay, so how is she ‘80% vegan’, you ask? Maybe she slips and has to use some make-up or hair products that are tested on animals but has an allergy or something actually legit.

No.

‘Sometimes I slip and eat half a burger.’

Yeah, no, Athena dear, you are not 80% vegan.

Athena is appropriating the fuck out of so many religions and cultures I don’t even know how much she is appropriating.

Both her husband and son are as confused by her work as I am.

They did not know those objects were supposed to be people, and neither did I.

Okay, so she’s now talking about eight different dimensions and I don’t want to be ableist but I can’t help thinking that Victoria chick was maybe a touch right.

I’m not gonna lie, I’m getting bored, and I’m tempted to skip.

Melissa now. She apparently won an ARIA award for a song I’ve never heard, but I do recognise her. I can’t work out why or how yet though.

Ohhhhh, I now know why I recognise her! She just did a horror film called Boar, which I watched, and it’s so-bad-it’s-good but she seems very excited and I don’t think she realises that it’s very bad but in a good way. There’s only so much enjoyment you can get out of a killer pig. I mean … I know boars kill and shit, I’m from fucking Australia, but there’s a limit.

But, I suppose they did make a movie with a robot shark, and I still watch that movie. (Though, admittedly, it’s because it’s so-bad-it’s-good-but-even-better-it’s-amazing.)

I agree with Melissa about how a girl can never have too many shoes, but I like flats. Lots of cute flats. My favourite pair has a bunch of cute flowers all over them. Melissa has a lot of heels, and I genuinely am curious: Do women who wear heels all the time actually find them super comfortable? Like, WHAT IS IT? How are you not bitchin after an hour? WHAT MAGICAL POWERS DO YOU POSSESS THAT I NEED??

Oh wow they’re getting their hair and make-up professionally done for this party. I guess that’s normal if you’re like a rich person or something.

The beauty make up person is trying not to laugh in the background and that’s me right now.

Athena says she’s a peacock. I agree.

Okay, like I know that what matters is that she loves what she’s wearing, but she’s wearing a gold dress and what looks like a fishing net, and I’m not being judgy because she can wear that, but in my opinion, it’s hideous. But if she loves it, I wanna make it super clear I support her abstract and obscure tastes.

THEY ARE HAVING AN OPEN BAR WITH WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DRINK AND I DON’T EVEN REALLY LIKE ALCOHOL BUT I’D BE SO FUCKING EXCITED CAUSE RICH PEOPLE.

Everyone is trying to be diplomatic about the net, which makes me feel better because I’m not the only one who thinks it’s ugly as fuck.

Okay, I think Lisa is trying to start shit with Athena right now by telling her that she’s a ‘cracker jack’.

She says in a flashback or whatever that you can’t be ‘beige’ or ‘boring’, and she’s wearing a beige top, which I think is funny.

Athena is now trying to defend calling Victoria fat.

It’s definitely going to be a thing, even though everyone should tell her it was wrong and just let it go but they won’t.

Dear Athena in regards to leaving the house: You go Glen Coco!

I’m pretty sure (but could be wrong), but Krissy is flirting with the waiter. What I mean is, someone is flirting, but there are too many brunettes in one room and it gets confusing sometimes.

Athena is being weird and Krissy is sassing the hell out of her, and I can’t tell if it’s passing of the line of ‘Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking!’ and ‘Okay, now you’re just being a bitch’.

It’s super awkward so either it’s good editing or Krissy’s a bitch.

Wow, Krissy, please stop talking about how much money you have.

Okay so now Lisa is calling Krissy ‘Chewbacca’, which I think is a little excessive, but I also think someone did need to stop talking.

Melissa is trying to be very polite about Athena’s non-stop nonsensical spiritual talk, and I think the message is clear: STOP TALKING. PLEASE.

Lisa is very judgy and super slut-shamey.

Athena, who was once saying it was great that Victoria called her ‘Jatz Crackers’, is starting to suddenly attack her for calling her that.

OH MY GOD WOULD EVERYONE STOP TELLING EVERYONE EVERYTHING BEHIND EVERYONE’S BACK.

Wow, Athena is being super nasty saying that Victoria was a ‘fat little girl’.

She’s now telling us to the camera that it was an ‘out of body’ experience.

Situation is almost diffused until Victoria throws Athena’s cape into the water.

They all talk about the stuff and THE END.

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4 thoughts on “Carla’s Drunk Reviews: The Real Housewives of Sydney (Pilot)

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