Carla’s Drunk Reviews: Real Housewives of Melbourne, Ep 7


So they are all going to Queensland, which is where I live! Yay for me!

They immediately start bitching about Gina, and I’m getting sick of everyone bitching about Gina.

Lydia tells everyone that she can save everyone in an emergency because she sits in a seat next to her husband when he flies so she thinks she knows stuff, but I’d trust, I don’t know, the helicopter pilot.

Chyka, who is possibly the most beautiful human on the planet, thinks that Gina has done a few things that have upset people, and while they have every right to be upset with some of the things, some of the other things have been blown out of proportion or are unfair, and she’s hoping this trip will make everything better.

As it’s episode seven, I know the answer will be: No, no, things will not be fine.

If Andrea can’t start shit with Gina, someone will die or something. It’s reality TV.

Jackie says she feels like she stepped out into Europe and I’ve been to Europe and I live in Queensland, and they are very different.

This is Europe

This is Queensland

They’re making a pact about going for a midnight swim and the water is thirty degrees, which I’m not calculating for you Americans because you’re the only fuckers not using Celsius, is actually a really nice temperature. Midnight swims are the best.

While I grew up on a farm, when my parents sold it and we moved into town, I was only like twenty minutes from the beach. My best friend B and I used to go the beach basically every weekend. Love you, B!


Technically, we were in Fiji, but we were sitting by the pool having cocktails

Andrea gets angry with Gina because Gina is not allowed to say that she’s very busy, because no one is more busy than her. Gina says that she doesn’t think trying to compete over who is the busiest is helpful (like, fucking duh), but Andrea says ‘But I want to compete about who is the busiest’ and it’s so disturbing knowing there really are Andreas in the world.

Holy crap, if I had decided to get revenge on the people that had wronged me, I have more secrets than Gretchen Weiners. I mean, not me specifically, I mean other people’s secrets. People tell me so much, so often, and because I don’t repeat it and because I don’t believe in being mean for the sake of being mean (I won’t pretend I haven’t been a bitch, because I have, and I have done mean, selfish things – but I hope I have learnt from my cruelty, and that I continue to learn), that I honestly think people forget what they tell me.

Like, seriously, I remember when K once told me a little too much about her relationship with her husband, and told me a little too much about the fights they had (I won’t repeat; it’s not relevant or important). A year later, when I was starting to be replaced by her new friend but before the entire change had happened (I guess you want to be sure you’re winning before you burn all your bridges like that), she was telling a different friend and colleague that her and her partner never, ever fight.

The colleague friend was like, ‘That’s not true’, and K replied, ‘No. We’ve never had a fight.’

In that moment, I could have corrected her. I could’ve been cruel, and relayed her words to her. I didn’t, because a) I still believed she was my friend and while I thought her behaviour was funny and different and I’d noticed obvious changes, that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve my loyalty or friendship because we all go through challenges and b) because if she wanted people to think that, then that was her business. It wasn’t anyone else’s, and I didn’t know her reasons for her statement that day, nor why it differed to other stories I’d seen (and even events I’d witnessed – her husband had a frightful temper).

Something similar happened with her wedding. I asked her, after I was engaged, how much her wedding had roughly cost, and if she didn’t mind letting me know. She told me the price of her wedding, and it was ridiculously cheap, so I double checked to see if that included everything, because if where she got married was that fucking cheap and included pretty much everything, Scott and I were gonna get married there because a) it was really, really nice – she really did have one of the most beautiful weddings I’ve ever attended and b) weddings are expensive as fuck. As hers came with a three-course meal and enough wine to get me hammered, that would be worth travelling interstate for. Of course, when I contacted the venue, stating I’d even been there for a friend’s wedding a few months prior and she’d told me what it costed, they said they did not have any packages that were that cheap that included what she’d said it had. Again, I could’ve confronted her … but for what? Maybe she felt embarrassed about the price, or maybe it was more expensive than she’d remembered (they’d been engaged for a while), or maybe she had lied, for whatever malicious reason that people sometimes have. It doesn’t matter if it was a genuine mistake or if it was malicious, what would be the point? I knew what it would cost to have my wedding there, and I knew that, whatever K had paid, they did not offer the packages she said they did. Since the only reason I’d considered the venue was because of literally how cheap she said it was, it’s not like it was a dream wedding space.

I just wanted the cheapest option that was nice for my guests. I wanted to make sure they had plenty to eat and drink, so that no one was hungry or thirsty, and I wanted everyone to have a good time. Other than that, all I really wanted was to marry my husband. Nothing else really mattered.

They all do Yoga, and then Lydia says ‘we were really tranquil’, so apparently the Yoga that they preformed that day was not the same footage that they used to air. I’d normally be suspicious about the extra filming at a Queensland resort, but if you can “fake” a moon landing, I’m sure you can fake tranquillity.

Andrea says she’s very diplomatic and I’d like to remind ya’ll she wanted to kill her employer because Italy fucked up an order.

Gina and Jackie are starting to get along, which makes Andrea and Lydia very angry for … reasons.

To punish Gina for having a good time, Andrea loudly starts going on about how she doesn’t do fake tans and spray tans but she does like Gina’s handbag, but then says, ‘It’s probably a rip-off’, because now that’s an insult.


The insult is so lame it reminds me of White Chicks with the niçoise salad.

Image result for white chicks insults gif

Andrea starts encouraging everyone else to gang up and have a go at Gina, because that’s going to make for a great holiday.

Poor Janet’s son was at a party when someone put the petrol on the fire, and her son was splashed with it, and he caught on fire. I’m literally horrified by all of this. Her son almost died multiple times with 70% of his body covered in third-degree burns.

Janet tells how amazing and supportive her friends were during that time. I wish I’d had a lot more of the friends I had now when I fell sick, because that story that Janet breaks my heart.

I thought loneliness was being with someone and feeling alone.

It’s not.

Loneliness is being more sick than you’ve ever been in your life, to the point where you genuinely start thinking if you’re going to live because you’re not sure how your body is physically coping, being anxious and depressed as you try and make life happen while also trying to see doctors to try and work out why the fuck you’re so sick and so tired all the time and being pissed off because House made doctors look like gods who could easily solve problems but that isn’t reality, and your friends abandon you so much that the only favour you ask in the three months of being physically trapped at home is for someone to take you to the mailbox so you can pick you some games and movies you ordered because you’re starting to go insane with boredom with nothing to distract you from being insanely sick (I didn’t have any internet at the time, I’d only just moved in, and soon after, Scott started talking about getting engaged, and I was only going to move in with him if a proposal was in the near future, so I wasn’t going to waste money for no reason), and not only do you find that suddenly, no one can help you, despite it’s the only thing you’ve asked and you can’t do it yourself and you can’t count the times you’ve helped them with lifts, and the one person that does is K, who will later use it against you.

That is loneliness you can’t possibly imagine unless you’ve been there.

Lydia does not get the fact that you can talk to someone on the phone and not have a romantic relationship.

Gina makes it clear she doesn’t want to date anyone, but Lydia just doesn’t get this. Lydia feels that this means Lydia is unhappy.

Lydia is pissed because Gina doesn’t listen, which she immediately reports back to everyone, making it seem like she confronted Gina about something, except for the fact that Gina didn’t agree that not dating meant she was unhappy.

I think it’s okay to not listen to that advice, and to say, as Gina said, ‘It’s my life, I’m old enough, I don’t think I have to live by any rules anymore.’ And I think that’s pretty fair. She’s not hurting anyone, she has more than enough money, she has children, she’s a barrister, she’s on this reality show, I think she’s pretty busy and complete. And after an eight-year relationship ending, I can understand her not wanting to immediately date.

I mean, if Scott and I broke up, I don’t know if I’d date. I guess I would at some point, but men are incredibly difficult to date and vibrators don’t talk back and while I’ve been able to hook up with a decent amount of women, I’ve never been able to actually have a relationship with one, so I don’t think I can compare any dating experiences there.

Except for: I counted with my husband, and from memory, I have been with seven women.

I will give you an invisible internet cookie if the person who is the best kisser out of those seven women from my past knows it.

Actually, cause I still know-ish the person (I’m being vague, I’m not going to make it easy – that could mean anything from Facebook friend to actually still a friend), I may even give you a real cookie.

Janet then decides she wants to confront Gina after dinner, and says she’s quite upset, and Gina asks if she’d prefer to catch up tomorrow, but Janet insists she wants to do it now.

Andrea says that four out of the six women have a problem with Gina, and that says something, but the truth is, the only reason why anyone has a problem with Gina is because Andrea keeps lying and telling people they do and turning small things, that are genuine problems, into something bigger than they need to be (like the psychic-demon thing and the being late thing. The second I think is a serious problem that needs more addressing, but not as serious as everyone’s making it, and the first one was just ridiculously absurd how everyone else was behaving).

If you weren’t lying and misrepresenting information, Andrea, four of the six women probably wouldn’t have the same problems.

Chyka points out that almost all the problems that everyone has a clearly explainable, and not only that, are clearly misrepresented, which pisses Andrea off, because the last thing Andrea wants is anyone to have an opportunity to see reason and logic.

Janet goes and tells the conversation her and Gina had in the bathroom, and while Gina tries to apologise, she eventually loses her temper with everyone ganging up on her, and then, to prove that her comment was in context and a joke, she says, ‘You can’t pretend like it wasn’t. You laughed, too.’ And everyone is shocked because wow, Janet didn’t tell quite the truth and hid her involvement in the story?

I’m shocked that mean girls would be … mean.

Image result for the rules of feminism gif

Chyka says exactly what I think – that conversations, especially private ones, can be taken out of context and misrepresented. Which is true – and I think we turn a lot of things into “fact” by doing so.

Andrea says that she was mad because she asked Gina not to wear high heels on the courts because it would ruin it, but she didn’t. Gina repeats this, and says, ‘That’s not what you said. You said you were worried about getting sued – ’ but Andrea cuts across her because a) the truth is inconvenient and b) while the rest of the world knows that Andrea’s a sneaky cunt, the girls don’t know that, and she’s influenced them for long enough that she knows she has the power in a game Gina didn’t know she was playing because she thought these people were friends. After all, she’s known Janet for 23+ years and Andrea for 8, so it’s pretty fair for her to assume they wouldn’t stab her in the back this horribly.

However, like Gina, I know what it’s like when your friends would rather be Brutus than Augustus.

Andrea says that Gina is ‘crude, vulgar, confrontational and aggressive’ and I love how conservatives always use this as an excuse for why someone’s bad. Like, it’s like conservatives never notice my swearing until they realise I’m disagreeing with them. Like, fuck, mate, have you met me? I mean, I can not swear, I’m a fucking teacher, but shit balls, if you’re going to be a cunt about my language I’m going to make you regret it so fucking bad. (If you’re polite and ask me to try to refine my language around you, or if you have small children, I will obviously modify my language. I don’t mind at all, because I assume that the respect I show them in modifying my language to suit them will be reflected in their understanding that I will slip up at times or that, just because I don’t swear around them, doesn’t mean I don’t swear. It just means I respect you enough to modify my language. However, if you try and shame me about my language choices, because you think it’s crude and vulgar, I’ll make sure you know the definition of crude and vulgar and are never so disrespectful and rude enough to be so snobby and snide to make the same suggestion to anyone, ever, again. I know, I know, you can’t catch flies without honey or some bullshit, right? Yeah. Maybe take your own fucking advice before thinking about how you word your phrasing.)

Andrea says that she’s offended by looking at Gina, and Gina is like ‘I don’t give a shit’, and Andrea is pissed because she’s meant to care.

Okay, Andrea, you’re a fucking cunt. A CUNT. CUNT. A C-U-N-T. Just shut the fuck up. I am literally using this word just to spite you.

Lydia and Andrea are incredibly mad that Gina, a barrister, had to draft an email on behalf of her client (Mystery Person) and, to be a good friend because the email was directed at the husbands (so not the psychic shit, so I don’t know what the fuck it’s about) and they’re mad because Gina wanted to be a good friend and let them in on the information she could?

Like, unless I’m missing a seriously important piece of the puzzle, it feels like Andrea and Lydia are yelling at Gina for … being a good friend who had to a job on behalf of a client.

Chyka loses her shit in a very Chyka way by saying that things was too much and going to bed and apologises sincerely to Gina, who it’s clear she feels sorry for, because it’s obvious to everyone but Gina and Chyka what the other girls are doing.

I am not sure that statement means what I want it to mean. Ariel will probably explain in the comments, so if you’re confused, just wait for her. Her site is Writing Radiation. She’s that helpful little pumpkin in the comments – you’ve probably seen her around, she’s an absolute doll.

Gina leaves, which I understand. I would too, I wouldn’t put up with that bullshit. Friends do not do that to you, and they listen when you try and explain and try to understand instead of ganging up and attacking and yelling at you with a group of people about a bunch of different things.

Chyka admonishes everyone, and you can see that a few of them are a bit ashamed, but Andrea is having none of it, because facts will ruin her hate-Gina campaign.

Everyone celebrates how big it is of Andrea to allow Gina to come to her event.

If I wasn’t so tired I might pass out, I might throw up.

‘Til next time.




One thought on “Carla’s Drunk Reviews: Real Housewives of Melbourne, Ep 7

  1. Ariel Lynn says:

    [While] I’ve been able to hook up with a decent amount of women, I’ve never been able to actually have a relationship with one, so I don’t think I can compare any dating experiences there.

    Same here. I’m not as good with the sexy bits, & I find myself getting rather tongue-tied around attractive women.

    Ariel will probably explain in the comments, so if you’re confused, just wait for her.

    I see what you did there, engagement-wise. 😉 I think it’s awesome, regardless. LOL

    Carla is saying these people are total wankers & no one can see it (except the people being wankers &, y’know, the audience). The victims are clueless, which is super sad.

    Happy Christmas if you celebrate & a wonderful New Year! May you have health & happiness. Also, may everyone who wishes otherwise to you & Scott SUCK IT. 😉


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