Some of my I’m A 90s Bitch reviews will be on Sweet Valley High and Sweet Valley University books I’ve collected, mostly from a small second-hand bookstore in Australia, as well as a few on Ebay.
I’m both extremely excited because I used to read the SVH books when I was in high school (like twelve/thirteen – not when I was a senior), so there’s a lot of nostalgia, but I also remember just how terribly bad they are, so there’s also that.
As always, nothing has ever been safe or mature about my reviews, regardless of what I’m reviewing.
Please note: As I didn’t have these books in any particular order, they are not written chronologically.
I somehow think this will make for a better experience because it will just make the series even more absurd.
Jessica’s Secret Love
Okay, so this is book #107 in the SVH series. Basically, Jessica hooks up with Jeremy, someone’s fiancée who just happens to be staying with them, and decides she wants him all to herself. This is the first one in this “mini-series” thing.
Beware All Ye Who Enter Below, For Spoilers Remain
Okay, I’m not gonna lie, for the sake of my sanity, I may or may not be also watching Thor in the background as I read Jessica’s Secret Love and write the review.
But seriously, no wonder people didn’t need fucking TVs before, the amount of shit that happens to these twins is fucking insane.
Okay, so the twins are talking about the time they were in London and there was a werewolf.
I really fucking hope that book is in my collection from my local second-hand bookstore, because holy fucking shit, there’s been a werewolf?
Shit, this book is starting to make me feel really good about my life and my life choices.
I am very proud to say that when I travelled to London, while I saw a TARDIS, I did not see a werewolf.
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An actual police box in London! Not a Tardis replica to lure Whovians, but a real old police box. Or is it!? #doctorwho #mattsmithisstillmyfavourite #mattsmith #eleven #eleventhdoctor #whovian #tardis #policebox #noonenoticesamysteriousblueboxinthemiddleoflondon #honeymoon wouldbeokaywithcybermeninvadingifthedoctorsavedus @scottbouckley
Okay, so it seems like in whatever fucking happened in the werewolf book(s), Elizabeth dated a serial killer, who may or may not have been a werewolf, and I think she dated him while she was also dating Todd, which isn’t a surprise, because I remember Elizabeth always cheating on him – in fact, my first SVH book ever was Earthquake – and the boyfriend she left Todd for left her and her friend Enid to die. I think his name was Damien or something, but I can’t quite remember.
Wow, that Wakefields are pretty resilient considering everyone they’ve ever known, liked, loved, and hated has died or been murdered.
I need to be drinking whatever the peeps in Sweet Valley are drinking.
Maybe it’s magical, like how the waters of Bath are meant to be healing waters.
Jessica and Lila gossip about how Liz is upset about her serial killing boyfriend being a werewolf and how that’s a drag, which honestly, I need to be surrounded by people who are like, ‘Yeah, just a few weeks ago my sister dated a werewolf, and he had to be murdered because he happened to also kill people, but seriously, that was weeks ago’, because I’d be like, Fuck yeah, no werewolf sightings this week for me!
I love how Jessica’s talking about “how after Sam died, I never thought I’d find someone”, but Jessica, you literally found a guy at the rally you held in Sam’s honour.
Seriously. For fuck’s sake.
Despite just describing Sam as the love of her life, Jessica immediately believes the random stranger is her soulmate.
Anyway, Jessica locks lips with the handsome stranger, and then he disappears, telling her he can’t, though we already know why from the blurb.
I remember the first time I read Earthquake and Jessica’s first memory was of Sam Woodruff, and I remember thinking, I’m in love with a Sam. (I was “in love” with a lot of people in high school. Probably more than Taylor Swift’s ever dated, but at least somewhat less than the Wakefield twins. But, oh, at that time, I was in love with a Sam, so of course it was like that book was written for me. And then I yearned for the love and the longing (not the dead part, though) that Jessica felt for Sam, so I’d try to make all the boys I loved into whatever I was reading at the time.)
Anyway, one of the best things about my friendship with Sam was that, when we were both in uni, he started dating this beautiful woman named Jade, who was my bridesmaid.
Lila talks to Jessica about her date with this amazing man and she says she’s not a snob but it’s nice talking to someone who knows where St Moritz is, and maybe the US Education system is even worse than they say it is, but even I know where St Moritz is because they’ve held the Winter Olympics there twice and they have that famous bobsled thing there and I fucking hate sports, and I still know this shit.
I fucking hate that I know this stupid shit.
There are lots of reasons to visit Switzerland, in my opinion, but sports is just not my thing. That thing where I don’t seem to have any balance has proved quite tricky when trying to play sports.
Anyway, when the twins get home Alice Wakefield says she got a letter from Sue Gibson, who is her friend Nancy’s daughter, but who we also know is Mystery Man’s fiancée from the blurb.
For reasons unknown, the Wakefields bring Sue into their lives.
Fuck me, the hardest thing about believing all of this is that I know they’ve almost been killed in just about every book, probably by a vampire, werewolf, or scarecrow (hey, they were creepy as fuck in Doctor Who), and they just let some rando into their lives because Alice is friends with the mum.
Like, if a few weeks ago I’d just almost been eaten by a psycho werewolf boyfriend who serial killed people, I’d be a little pissed if my mum was bringing randoms into the house. I’d be like, ‘Mum. PTSD. It’s a thing. After the whole werewolf thing, I need a little me time and some serious therapy.’
But nah, sure, throw your fucking wedding.
Amy says it’s really romantic that Sue is getting married at eighteen, but I don’t think that’s romantic at all. It seems so young.
Elizabeth keeps going on about this fucking book Real Women, Bad Men because she dated a serial killer while cheating on Todd, and so now all men are bad, but seriously, I’m starting to want to bitch slap her a little.
With the book.
Elizabeth thinks that “easy going” = pushover = a great positive relationship with a guy, and she’s meant to be the feminist fucking icon? Seriously?
Lila talks about how comfortable she feels on her date with Robby, and how easy it is to trust him, after she was almost date-raped. I remember that book, it was actually really good. It was called Don’t Go Home With John.
Jessica meets Jeremy, and later confesses to her sister that he was the guy she kissed on the beach.
Anyway, after kissing him once, and speaking to him twice, Jessica literally wishes they were shopping for “our” engagement ring.
Like, fuck, no wonder I was naïve as fuck as a child.
I’m not even kidding. You know that song, “Put Your Back Into It?” I thought that was about someone putting up fences until my friend Hannah told me it was about sex.
I mean, I was thirteen, but still. That’s pretty fucking naïve.
Oh my god, Elizabeth is even worse than a white feminist.
She’s the type of “white feminist” that voted for fucking Trump.
Anyway, Jessica plans a dinner with Bruce Patman, who she hates, to get back at Jeremy and make him jealous, which she’s successful.
Bruce takes advantage of this and orders oysters and filet mignon, rare, and I have to say, that is a fucking good choice.
I fucking love oysters.
Elizabeth keeps talking about her stupid book and if she’d believed in herself she wouldn’t have cheated on Todd with a werewolf but honestly, this is ridiculous. You dated a werewolf serial killer.
That’s a hard one to pick.
Of all the things I’d pick, that would honestly not be my first guess. It wouldn’t even make the top 100.
Elizabeth and Todd have a fight because Todd is pissed that she ‘sometimes needs to confide in her girlfriends’ because sometimes women ‘just understand’ and he calls her sexist, and this is just fucking stupid. #WokeCarla (because someone needs to be #woke in this situation, and we all know it ain’t gonna be anyone from Sweet Valley High) is not here for your faux feminism bullshit.
Jessica is surprised to realise that Sue will be, you know, sleeping with her fiancée after they get married, like how a lot of people traditionally, you know, have sex on their wedding night, but what’s more surprising to me is that this is the first time they’ve mentioned anything to do with sex, because I’d already have imagined doing Jeremy (if I was into him) in like every room.
Jessica tries to stop the wedding (or at least delay it) by ruining Sue’s wedding dress, which is just awful.
She’s the type of person who murders her sister to meet the guy again she met at her mother’s funeral in that psych test.
Elizabeth and Jessica go to a feminism thingy, and Elizabeth decides she’s going to be so #woke she’ll use cultural appropriation and chooses the name ‘Runs-with-the-wind’ and you can tell the writer of this one obviously liked the movie Dances With Wolves, which I’ve never seen, but I’m pretty sure it’s referenced in Pulp Fiction, which I definitely have seen.
Jessica doesn’t stop trying to delay the wedding, and even Bruce Patman has a problem with this, and he’s a wanker.
By the end of the book, Jessica and Jeremy are hiding in the bushes, kissing, during Jeremy and Sue’s engagement party.
I am both terrified and excited for #108: Left At the Altar.