Do You Tell Everyone Your Feelings?

Well, to be honest, it really depends on what you mean by that question.

Because the truth is, no, I don’t. I know it seems like it – most people would be like, “Your private life is up for public viewing”, which isn’t an incorrect statement.

But I also carefully craft, write and manipulate exactly what aspects of my private life I put on here.

I’m able to write about how I’ve been hurt in the past, because it doesn’t hurt me the same way, not anymore – and largely, it doesn’t hurt at all, not anymore, and definitely not the way people seem to think it does.

I can see why it’s easy to assume that if you’re writing about something, it means a lot to that person, but honestly, that statement has always confused me. The only stuff I can put on here is stuff that I’m legitimately okay with sharing, which means that it doesn’t affect me the way you probably think it does. I couldn’t put it out there if it meant what it meant to me at the time.

There are so many things that have been happening in my life that I deliberately choose not to talk about.

In fact, in some ways, it’s kind of obvious – almost no one knew that Scott had cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship – because I really don’t tell everyone my feelings.

In fact, that’s a major issue as to why I have PTSD – because I close off.

I struggle with talking and opening up, but I don’t have that same problem with writing. With writing, everything makes sense, everything flows, and everything changes.

For some reason, despite the fact that I only really use anecdotes to enhance a story and to raise awareness about certain issues, or for something that has (at least, in my opinion, some form of a greater purpose – even if that greater purpose is to remind people of simple things, like it’s okay if you have a friendship break up. It’s normal. You can see it for yourself, because you aren’t alone, and doesn’t follow the same greater purpose as my “Why I Didn’t Report” and “Stop Blaming Women, Make Men The Problem” posts, I’m still often criticised for “telling everyone my feelings”.

It’s not the first time it’s been said, and I’ve frequently heard or seen comments made by others when women, in particular, blog. Usually such a fact is met with derision, spite and hate.

Hell, look at Taylor Swift. I relate to her so well because it’s like her songs speak to me. It doesn’t matter who she’s singing about for her, it’s what it matters to me, which is something Taylor says at all of her concerts. (Seriously: Not all of her songs are actually about her heartbreaks. She’s said more than once that a lot of the songs she has sung on her Speak Now album was in relation to a friend’s feelings, not hers. And the ones that are hers, all hers, all her inspiration, all her heartbreak, she works really hard at trying to make sure they relate to everyone. I know most of ya’ll don’t like her, including literally most of my best friends, but I love her.) She is frequently destroyed by the media, rightly or wrongly, for “oversharing”.

And I don’t understand why we keep trying to tear people down – especially women – for “telling everyone their feelings”.

Even if someone is using a website to document their feelings, who are you to judge? Perhaps that helps them heal.

Perhaps it’s something they need.

You can judge Taylor Swift – some of the judgements are more than fair – but her song writing helps me. It grounds me.

I’m grateful, because even if you see it was problematic and oversharing, Taylor Swift was someone who I felt made sense to me ever since I heard Love Story. (I’m not getting into Taylor’s politics or anything on this one, just feelings and sharing.)

Perhaps, for many creators like me, there is a larger purpose: To help others, and let them know they aren’t alone, while try trying to meet the criteria to become a published author. (Which I achieved, by the way, and You Know You Want It.)

I know that for me, each post I write, every single time someone says that it helped them, that it meant something to them, I feel like I’ve achieved everything I ever wanted.

Regardless, I think we need to stop dictating to others what you find acceptable or not, especially in regards to sharing. There are so many creators – bloggers in particular – that I stumble across, daily, who give so much of themselves to help (whether it’s to help themselves, and they’re writing only for themselves; or if it’s to help everyone), and it’s not an easy task.

B, from Getting Through Anxiety, constantly writes about how debilitating her anxiety disorder is. As someone who has an anxiety disorder, anxiety isn’t easy to write about. It’s something that I don’t think most neurotypical people can understand. (I also feel like I need to give one of these Bs a different nickname.)

And yet, alongside writing and publishing her books, she’s still writing about the positives that come alongside anxiety, always stating that it’s the small things that matter.

Rest in Piece by [Ginsburg, B.W.]

The cover of B’s FIRST novel, which I have read and reviewed, and you should definitely consider checking out her work. 

Or Rae, my person, from Bookmark Chronicles? I’ve seen her torn down more times than I can count because she’s not just a woman.

She’s a Black woman.

You can pretend like that doesn’t matter, but it does.

I see it all the time: Rae and I can make the exact same comments, and I can get away with a lot more (and am listened to a lot more), because I’m a white woman.

If I’m very aware of this fact, do you really think this fact has somehow missed Rae?

I’m not her only white friend, and I’m certainly not her only white follower.

And yet, her posts are always clear. Despite the bullshit Rae’s subjected to because of race, she always comes out swinging.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve only described two powerful creators that I know, and fuck me, you don’t think what they’re doing is brave and strong?

Today, alone, I had the incredible pleasure of stumbling across The Patchwork Diaries, after Kelli (the creator), liked and commented on one of my posts.

Her work is outstanding.

I’m currently reading her post That Moment, which has major trigger warnings, and the fierceness behind her words is just so powerful.

Will, who doesn’t have a blog, but has the page Men Yelling Indistinctly, is a fantastic ally. He raises awareness, and has made sure that even though he created the page, women and trans women are mostly at work, and he makes sure that everyone knows that, because he wants to be an ally, not another man telling women what they should do.

That’s just amazing, to me, because all of these people listed and more are tirelessly working to air “their feelings” to make the world a better place.

And you can judge that any way you want to, I guess. You either will or you won’t.

But I think that makes someone fucking amazing – someone who is willing to just “tell everyone their feelings” – for some stranger, to provide comfort and empathy and hope.

So yes, in some ways, I also do tell everyone my feelings.

And damn straight, if you ask me how I feel, I’ll tell you, even if it’s to say it’s none of your fucking business.

Just check the comment section of any post anywhere, ever, and you’ll see.

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19 thoughts on “Do You Tell Everyone Your Feelings?

  1. Ariel Lynn says:

    Say it loud, say it proud! This is your space; you don’t have to cater to anyone’s whims or opinions.

    You choose to, or you don’t.

    If it’s too “personal,” too “raw,” too “real,” for them – that’s their problem! Really, the only person’s opinion that matters aside from you, is Scott & I know you’re on the same page since he’s your editor & collaborator.

    They’ll always find something to tear women down over. I think it’s like all other forms of trolling – best to ignore. ❤ 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • thingscarlaloves says:

      I agree ❤ ❤ It doesn't bother me, and I know I can hold my own. I hope that B sees this!!!!!! I did comment though, on her Instagram, but I kept going into Instagram a million times before I remembered what I was there for! FFS. This memory thing is getting really frustrating atm!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ariel Lynn says:

        It bothers me when people try & tell others what they should/shouldn’t share of their own lives. It’s like, if you’re not directly involved (&, even if you are, shut up), it’s not your business. If you are involved in the situation & feel maligned, well, you go write something!

        But I think you take steps to guard the privacy of the people involved – the good & the bad – so it really isn’t anyone’s business!

        I hope B sees it too! I’m sure she will, since you linked to her blog & went out to tell her. She’ll be so pleased!!! ❤

        I can't imagine how frustrating your continued memory issues must be, especially since, with all your other medications & conditions, it might be worse than it would be in other people. I mean, I have fibro, so I often open a tab or go to a webpage & can't, for the life of me, remember why I did it. I think that's why I have dozens of lists going at any time, plus another dozen or so alarms set on my phone.

        Still, your getting better with every passing day & I have confidence you'll be back up & running (metaphorically, of course; running sucks lol) soon!

        Liked by 1 person

      • thingscarlaloves says:

        I feel like my comments aren’t working properly!!!!! Some of my replies may come through, may not. I can’t tell if it’s WP or my internet is being dodgy!!!!!!!

        I could not agree more! I used to not want to hurt people, but the only person that kept getting hurt was me. I’m doing what I want to do now.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ariel Lynn says:

        Ugh! I don’t know if it’s WP either. There was that incident recently where WP didn’t want to share the comment I kept trying to leave about my Romani heritage, so I’m leaning towards it being a WP issue. Then again, I don’t know your Internet situation.

        I think it’s important to try not to hurt people, of course, but we have to balance that with our own needs & desires. We can be tactful & polite, but still express ourselves. & I think what you do, by hiding people’s names while describing the situation, only reveals to someone already involved who the person is – so there isn’t a privacy issue.

        First & foremost, you’ve got to handle your own feelings. You aren’t responsible for the feelings of people who aren’t involved in any way with the situation. 🙄

        Liked by 1 person

      • thingscarlaloves says:

        I agree. I have no intention to deliberately hurt any of the people who hurt me. If they’re hurt by what I’m writing (assuming they would read it; but I have strong doubts. I can imagine them reading this to mock, simply because I know they’ve done it before – not with me, someone else).

        It was WordPress plus a different issue (I replied to your email!). The second issue has been resolved completely, thank god. But WP keeps wanting to change over to the not-classic editor, and every time it wants to do that, half the shit on WP stops working. And then I try and convert over, which is great for a day or two, and then it just shits itself. And from what I’ve seen on the internet, I’m not alone with this problem. I don’t know why WP is so intent on getting people to change to something that there’s heaps of forums on it being buggy and not working properly.

        I agree. Those people have had lots of choices. My bridesmaid had a choice recently, when her husband started working with mine, to try and reach out, to try and just acknowledge what they’ve done. They didn’t. They chose to try and hang out with Scott, and seemed to be surprised by the fact that Scott wants nothing to do with them. It’s weird – he seems to hate them more than I do. (Well, I don’t hate them, I just don’t give a shit. But Scott blames them for a lot of things, and he has a lot of anger towards them.)

        I figure, if you don’t do shit things, I can’t write about the shit things you do. And, on top of which, I’ve checked all my legal options, so if someone was dumb enough to be like, “I want to sue you”, I’d be like, “Bring it on.” The amount of evidence I have to support everything, including the fact that I have evidence that would show perjury if they lied on the stand, I’m pretty comfortable where I stand. Everything else just gets to be background noise.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ariel Lynn says:

        Oh, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have no intention of deliberately hurting anyone. However, & unfortunately, we both know that in some cases our intentions don’t matter worth a good gosh darn. People can be hurt by our words or actions, despite our best intentions.

        We know what the road to H— is paved with, as the saying goes.

        I saw your email about the other issue. I haven’t seen your follow-up reply yet, since I’m way behind on responding (as always lol), but I see it in my inbox.

        Knock on wood – I haven’t had any issues with the new WordPress editor. Well, besides it annoying me as I climb the learning curve. I’d look up the issues people are encountering, but, TBH, I probably won’t do that until/unless it affects me. Ah, selfish intellectualism. LOL

        UGH. It’s really frustrating, as an outsider (so I know you & Scott are dealing with waaaay more), to hear that your bridesmaid & her husband just tried to hang out with Scott like nothing happened. If they addressed it, maybe you (as a couple) would be more inclined to consider interacting with them outside of whatever Scott has to do with the husband at work. But, by playing dumb, I’m sure it just makes the situation worse & the feelings more negative.

        From how you’ve described Scott, it sounds like he’s become much more assertive through the course of your relationship. That might be part of the reason you described them as “surprised” by the fact that Scott is saying “no, I’m not standing for this sort of behavior.”

        From how you’ve described the earlier parts of your relationship, he was always the “yes” guy,” to both his family & his friends. I don’t know if he expressed his displeasure with either, or if he was more passive, but it sounds like he’s much more willing to put his foot down nowadays.

        Well, while you can’t write “s— things about someone who doesn’t do s— things to you,” you could still hurt people’s feelings. Because, we’ve found, what we say/write/do doesn’t always translate the way we mean it to other people.

        Still, I think you’re taking every precaution to speak your truth while being considerate of others & their privacy. You can’t control how people interpret it, regardless. The only way to guarantee someone won’t get upset is to not say anything & that’s stupid. That’s the “good girl,” “don’t make waves” attitude we’ve laughed at before (& will do again in the future).

        I don’t think you have to worry about anyone suing you, that’s for sure. I don’t know much about Australia’s civil laws, but in the U.S. you can’t sue someone for libel or slander without proving that 1) they identified you, 2) it was untrue (not just someone’s opinion &/interpretation of an event with which you don’t agree), & 3) it hurt your personal or professional life. Then again, people can sue for whatever they want – even if it’s stupid or just totally off the mark.

        I’d kinda like to see some jerk try to sue you & get laughed out of court. Promise to record it in the event that it happens? 😁

        Like

      • thingscarlaloves says:

        I could not agree more. I can’t fix it for some reason – like the picture won’t even move – but I do agree, and it’s a main running theme for me. I figure the person in question is unlikely to see it, and very unlikely to care. If they do, and for some reason I still can’t edit it (I don’t seem to be able to edit ANY of my posts if I created them with the new editor – like, it just won’t), I’ll delete it and re-edit it all completely (as I write the documents and all that before I post everything, so it’s just mostly a word document). But I think it’s important to practice what you preach.

        Like the other day, one of Scott’s friends was upset, as she felt like one of the posts was directed at her, and I could have been all “yeah, but it clearly wasn’t, you don’t even know what I’m referring to”, I was like: Well, she’s hurt. She’s not attacking me or Scott; she’s expressing her feelings. It doesn’t matter what the intention was, she was hurt. We had a conversation, and I made a few edits (it was back on a classic editor post, so I could), and we talked about what was going on, and who we were actually referring to, and it was just a good conversation. It could’ve gone badly, especially if I’d gotten defensive and tried to justify it, but then I wouldn’t have learnt anything, and worse, I’d be asking other people to do things I can’t even manage myself.

        It really has. I wish they would’ve just addressed it in the first place, because of reasons I have to privately email you about. Remind me – I had a hair cut yesterday, and I’m just exhausted from it – so my memory is just more foggy than usual.

        That’s exactly who Scott was – a “yes” guy. He said he was made passive by his parents, which I can explain what he’s said privately in an email, but I doubt that’s a surprise to anyone. Because I let him do what he wants, and don’t care or judge, he gets to do and say what he wants and feels. This is a tiny example, but you know how at hens parties and shit they ask “How Well Do You Know Your Partner?” type questions? Well, the first one was ‘What’s Scott’s favourite sport team?’ And my bridesmaid was there, obviously, and I know Scott had watched sport with her partner a bunch of times, but he hates sport. He hates sport more than I hate sport, but he felt like he could never say that. So I answered, ‘Well, Scott hates sports. He feels like he can’t say that to anyone, though, so if you ask him, he’ll say his favourite team is Port Adelaide (AFL).’ (He got away with not having to say much about rugby because rugby isn’t as big as AFL down south.) And literally everyone was like, ‘You’re going to be the worst wife, of course Scott loves sports and stuff’ and then Scott’s pre-recorded answer was literally almost word-for-word for what I said, and everyone was just shocked. The difference is is that I’ve taken the time to know that Scott fucking hates sports, so if he’s watching sports with you, it’s because he wants to hang out with you. It’s just that not even his best friends – hell, not even his fucking dad – has taken the time to know this really simple fact about him. And it’s like this multiplayer game they used to play, I remember one of his friends getting up me because “I stopped him from playing it” and was “isolating him”, but I was like, “No, none of you have been listening when he’s said he doesn’t like this game. He’s playing it FOR YOU.” And, at some point, he just got sick of it. I think a large part of the problem is that Scott’s always just agreed to stuff, so people assume he likes it.

        I agree. And the points I want to make are for the people who aren’t heard, and if some people have to think about their life choices because they did a few shitty things, I’m okay with that.

        I’m honestly not worried, and honestly, with the amount of proof I have – and I mean written proof, from others, not just my testimony, so literally, I have nothing to worry about.

        I would live-stream it if someone was stupid enough to try and take me to court.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ariel Lynn says:

        UGH. It’s frustrating that you can’t change it. I know it’s unlikely that anyone who’s involved – aside from you & Scott – would see it, or even notice it. I think that your plan, if, on the odd chance, someone does end up getting offended by it, to repost the whole post is a good idea. I hope it doesn’t come to that (either someone getting offended or you having to repost it).

        I don’t get why you can’t edit your posts, though! I haven’t found any problems with it. I don’t get it. 😦

        It’s great that Scott’s friend approached you & told you that she was hurt. That’s what an adult person does. It’s just like you said – it doesn’t matter that she misunderstood what you were saying, what mattered that she was hurt. You two discussed it, you saw parts of the post that needed clarifying, & now it’s all good! I love hearing stories like that. I know it’s hard, in the moment, to not react defensively. You handled it brilliantly.

        Yeah, from how you’ve described him, that sounds exactly like what I thought Scott used to be like. I definitely think the approach of “no judgement” really helped him to open up (I know you said you don’t “care or judge,” but I know you actually care). It’s also probably why people blame you for his “sudden” change of character.

        I’m sure, at the very least, his parents preferred him passive & subservient to their whims. Chances are good that a lot of his friends did too, or they just didn’t really know him & liked the person they thought he was.

        Your posts definitely make people think. If they’ve done stuff that makes them feel guilty, that’s on their conscience.

        Woohoo! I look forward to never seeing that video. I doubt anyone would be stupid enough to try & sue you. 😁

        Liked by 1 person

      • thingscarlaloves says:

        I don’t get it, either. It only happens on certain posts, and only posts I ever try and create with the new editor. Honestly, every time I try and make a change, it bugs out. It’s not the first post it’s happened to, but oh well. If I use the old editor, it’s very easy for me to go back and fix things (except on new editor posts, obvi).

        I agree! I thought it was really good. And you’re right – it’s exactly what a mature person does. She thought it over for a few days, privately messaged me, explained that she didn’t know what I was talking about, but was hurt. I explained back that I thought I’d made it clear, but obviously not, and then I discussed some of what happened with her, and what was going on, and she was horrified and understanding. I think she realised that even though I didn’t intend to hurt her, she was hurt (hence why she privately messaged), and I think that’s admirable of her. I’m just glad that I had at least half her decency in return, to make sure I didn’t get angry or dismiss her feelings or invalidate anything she was feeling. It would’ve been so easy to do, too, because it’s always easy when it’s you making the excuses.

        I think a lot of people liked the “easy” Scott, because that Scott did what the majority wanted to do. The only thing that’s different about Scott is that he says no, and he does things that he wants to more, and doesn’t bend over backwards for everyone else anymore.

        I hope so. I want there to be a bigger purpose, you know?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ariel Lynn says:

        Boo! BAD WORDPRESS NEW EDITOR!! You want me to beat it up for you? 👊

        I think it’s a great way for you & her to start a friendship, or even acquaintanceship. Honesty, open communication, & respect for each other’s feelings – who could ask for more? 😊

        Well, of course people will like someone who always agrees with them, always does what they want, & always seems amenable to their whims. It sounds like Scott hasn’t changed since he’s been with you, then; he’s just been comfortable being himself. That’s even better! 😍

        There’s definitely a bigger purpose, I think.

        Liked by 1 person

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