#WhyIDidn’tReport: Coercion = Rape

— Trigger and Content Warning —

Like with the “Friendship Breakup” series, over the next few weeks, I’ll be answering commonly asked questions surrounding, specifically, Dr Ford and the entire fiasco that we just watched. 

As this topic is of a sensitive nature, and many of you may have questions or stories you’d like to share or have answered, please feel free to drop a message in my Facebook inbox or DM me on my Instagram, @thingscarlaloves. You do not have to share your story in the comment section (or anywhere else) if you do not feel comfortable. 

As always, there will be a list of helpline services added, if you need help. I strongly urge that you confide in someone you trust in order to help you heal. 

*NB: Until I am back on my feet, The Leaders will be replaced with misc posts until I’m back on my feet.

If you have to convince someone to have sex with you, you’re more than likely raping them. Yes, sometimes people genuinely change your mind, but before we get into anything more, think about this really carefully:

Why are you trying to convince someone to have sex with you if they don’t want to?

But, as I’ve had a lot of downtime since my accident, I’ve been watching a lot of crap (there’s only so many horror movies the world can offer you. I love thriller-types in particular – gore doesn’t bother me, but it doesn’t scare me. I’d rather no blood and guts and being terrified. And if you don’t know what I mean about suspense and that thrill, go sit and the corner and think about what you’ve done until you watch Doctor Who’s Blink episode).

Anyway, I legit love Teen Mom. I feel torn between watching people who are seriously handling difficult and challenging situations as best as they can, and the others are massive trainwrecks that are too fantastic not to watch.

I know.

I’m a horrible person.

But I thought we covered this fact already, and it’s not my fault that certain people are chosen for reality TV solely because of poor life choices (note: I’m not referring to having children at a young age, I’m more so referring to the couple who bought a horse because the guy who screwed his fiancee’s best friend and he needed her to forgive her, but they didn’t have money for groceries, and they had to learn the entertaining-for-TV way, decided to sell the horse … and then later bought another one. Sometimes, you just can’t make this shit up).

One of the episodes I was watching featured a girl, who was extremely religious, and had fallen pregnant to her boyfriend. 

Whilst she was extremely grateful for her baby, her pregnancy made her want to be closer with god and focus on celibacy.  

In the beginning, her boyfriend agreed. He said he loved her and would wait until they were married. 

Except that’s not how he acted. 

After convincing her to move in with him (although her stipulation was that they sleep in different rooms) he started blaming his moodiness on the lack of sex he was having. 

He then refused to hold his baby for four fucking days because no sex and gender roles. 

Yes, seriously. 

I’m talking about a twenty-year-old man not holding his son once in four days because sex. 

Oh, and he has work. 

She tried to talk calmly with him, discuss other methods, and remind him that there was more than just sex to their relationship. 

He then told her every guy had his breaking point and that he’d gotten her to move in because he hoped she’d slip and he could take advantage of her.  

Yes, really. 

When she said no, he flipped out and threatened to leave her. 

His apology consisted of telling her that if she didn’t have his son – the one he wouldn’t hold because his son, his three-month-old son, can’t be a ‘pussy’ and ‘needs to learn independence’ (yes, for real) – he wouldn’t be with her because sex. 

Firstly, while it’s hard to pass too much judgement as I’m sure some of the conflict was staged and the worst and most dramatic parts are mostly edited for drama and entertainment, but I strongly feel that this is clearly an abusive relationship. 

There’s just so many red flags. 

He’s controlling, demanding and possessive. 

He has rigid gender roles that are put in place for both his son (who can’t be a pussy because he should have learnt independence by three months, damnit!) and his girlfriend who needs to do everything else without any help.  

He won’t touch his son. 

He gets angry whenever his son cries. 

To me, while may claim bad editing, I feel that that’s a fair representation of toxic masculinity, fragile masculinity, a toxic relationship, and a fucking abusive one. 

I felt like I was watching – at the very least – the beginning of a potentially incredibly serious abusive relationship.  

Which is really important to understand – because the red flags aren’t always obvious. 

There’s also so many different types of abusive relationships, and they always present differently.  

Please be aware.  

Secondly, coercing someone is rape. 

Just flat out.

If someone says no, fucking stop.

No does not magically translate to “try harder”.

Non, comme par magie, ne se traduit pas par “essayer plus fort”.

No non si traduce magicamente in “provare più duramente”.

Não, não traduz magicamente para “tentar mais”.

No no se traduce mágicamente a “esforzarse más”.

Thirdly, why do you want sex that badly? What the hell is so wrong with you? And why do you want to pressure someone into saying yes? Who doesn’t want to? Who isn’t ready? 

Regardless of whatever your fucked up reasoning, coercion is rape. 

You can control yourself. You are not an animal, and people aren’t objects.

In Emergencies: 000

Lifeline Australia: 13 11 14

1800 RESPECT

MensLine Australia: 1300 78 99 78

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— Sources —

Background

Bachelor of Education: English and History

Diploma in Criminology and Profiling

Diploma in Forensic Science

Background in law and psychology

Teacher 7+ years

Background in special needs, learning support – other specific teaching fields that required hands-on development.

NB: This is a declaration of the background of my personal knowledge, collected over the years via a professional form of education and development. Some of these take the form of actual degrees and others come in the form of necessary professional development. When doing your own research, you should always try and verify the person’s credibility. My credibility, nor anyone else’s, is not with their education. Everyone has biases and no one is infallible. I am deliberately including some of my background education to highlight this, because you should be questioning information you are receiving.

External Sources

Toyah Cordingley

Search for evidence – Toyah

Potential Witnesses – Toyah

Eurydice Dixon

Man Charged With Dixon Murder

Larissa Beilby

Alleged Murderer

Accessories to Larissa’s murder

Jane Gilmore

National Emergency

Various people over from Hunt A Killer

Violence Against Women

Flight, Fight, Freeze and Faint

Dr Ford’s Testimony

Kavanaugh’s Testimony

Time’s Article on Ford vs Kavanaugh 

FBI Investigation Letter

Amal Clooney on Trump

Trump Mocks Ford

Mark Judge’s Book Confirms Timeline

Trump’s Lack of Empathy

Sexual Assault

Men Too

Sunrise – Junkee

CARS REFERENCING SYSTEM:

Credibility

Is the claim credible? Is the author writing biased? Is the author credible? An elite education doesn’t make someone more or less credible, so you often have to look beyond a person’s education background. 

Accuracy

Do the claims fit in to an accurate timeline? Do the claims made by the author reasonably stand up? If you’re seeing a lot of inaccuracies, especially against the timeline the person is creating, you need to consider if the claim is accurate. Context is often key.

Reasonableness

Mostly, this comes down to whether or not the person is clearly creating a bias. Obviously, everyone has biases. I try and declare mine at the bottom of every post that I think would benefit from extra sources. I freely admit that I definitely have biases, prejudices and will obviously write in a way that conveys what I believe is the truth. That doesn’t mean I’m always right – which is why reasonableness is so important. Everyone is biased, and it’s virtually impossible to not impose your belief, in some form, while sharing. But if the person is deliberately manipulating facts, or omitting information, then they are an untrustworthy source (here’s looking at you, Fox).

Support

Basically, this comes down to whether or not you can find “support” for the claims made. In anything professional, like an essay or journal article, references are essential. However, information can come from popular media sites, or from TV shows/movies, that might require YOU to do some work. I know that conservatives, in particular, seem to detest this as they seem to believe that the other person needs to do all the work, but that’s not how you actually learn. You learn by taking the information and researching it yourself. If you refuse to do this, which is an important part of the process, you will never truly progress in your own education. Out of everything here, I honestly believe this is the most important. If you are unwilling to research things on your own, and instead demand someone else to do the work for you, you have no interest in learning or understanding a different position. You are looking for confirmation bias. The reason I know the Cassidy Boon thing is a hoax is because I looked it up. It took less than a second on my internet connection for Google to say “Yeah, this shit is a fucking hoax”, and by then, I had seen at least ten people share this fucking thing on fucking Facebook, which means the only difference is that you’re willing to put your intelligence in someone else’s hands, instead of learning for yourself.

 

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7 thoughts on “#WhyIDidn’tReport: Coercion = Rape

  1. Laura Beth says:

    Agreed. This happened more times than I would like to admit with my abusive ex-boyfriend. No wonder I was traumatized for years. I’m much better now, thankfully, due to counseling, my anxiety diagnosis, and the support of my amazing husband. I will continue to have issues, likely for the rest of my life. But, I’m getting better.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thingscarlaloves says:

      That story provides hope for me ❤ I'm going through a lot of PTSD training at the moment, and sometimes it's just hard, so hard. I'm so glad you are better – I know not 'fixed', because nothing like this can ever be okay – but just better, you know? It gives me hope ❤

      Like

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